Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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