This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Im part way to drunk.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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