I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
