You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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