How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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