She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
