Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
