Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize