I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
