I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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