I just threw up on my dentist
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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