i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
