Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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