why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
