just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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