You're earring is so big in my mouth
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
