sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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