I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Randomize
