I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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