I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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