he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
