John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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