I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize