i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
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