I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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