If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Drunk is not a location!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
