i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
