I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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