I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
