Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
