I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
