Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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