Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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