Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize