i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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