every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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