also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Randomize
