I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
