Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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