I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
