2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
