Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
