I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
