I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
