Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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