Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
