I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So many bounce houses so little time
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
