The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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