Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
