I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
