I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
