so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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