I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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