Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize