she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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