well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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