i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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